Editor’s note: This piece is a satire and not a factual article
Jane Morrell
Opinion Editor
Yesterday, in a press conference, Donald Trump announced to the press that he was “no longer catering to the state primaries” but, rather, he currently has a bigger concern.
“I need to address a bigger issue facing our nation,” he told reporters, all except FOX News affiliates who were banned from the conference at his request. “The Student Government Association presidential election at Troy University — I mean it’s awful. I can’t sleep at night —I have to do something. And I can tell some of the candidates, they went in. They didn’t know the Wi-Fi didn’t work. They sweated like dogs.
“So, I’m announcing my candidacy for Troy University SGA President — deal with it.”
With that said, the Student Government Association presidential election has come to a close, but it seems that Trump is determined to be heard as a late entry for the race.
As many know, choosing the person to represent students’ voices and advocate on their behalf in the SGA comes down to how a candidate speaks about and plans to tackle issues on campus.
It requires each candidate to be dedicated, open to new ideas and willing to fight for change.
I have the displeasure — err — the honor of sharing with all of you Donald Trump’s ideas for our campus as our “new” SGA presidential candidate.
Oh goody gumdrops.
Donald Trump, from Queens, New York, a graduate from the University of Pennsylvania with a bachelor’s degree in economics, has set his sights on our school’s SGA president position.
“I’m here to make Troy University great again,” Trump said.
Currently running for our nation’s presidential seat, Trump has decided to grace us with his presence rather than worry about the rest of the state primaries.
“Duh, I’ve already won the voters in Nevada,” Trump said. “So I figured that winning the heart of the students of Troy University would be a piece of cake, just like running for our nation’s president.
“I’m owned by the people! I mean, I’m telling you, I’m no frat boy, but I’m gonna do right by the students!”
Trump says he has the “real deal SGA experience,” and explained to me that he would run our SGA like his popular television show, “The Apprentice.”
“Anybody who doesn’t stand with the SGA — Chancellor Hawkins, Herbert Reeves, the Trop, Jeb Bush — I’m going to put you in your place,” he said, even though I had just explained the role of our SGA president and the duties and power the job has — twice.
Trump expressed his passion for serving Troy University and said that his overall mission is to tackle the issue of parking for students — a problem that has plagued many students for years now.
His plan to handle this issue is to build a “yuge” parking deck for students — however, it is to be only open for American students.
“Troy University does open a lot of doors for its international students — and I love international students — like, I want to travel the world and visit different cultures — you know, you can learn a lot from other people, and I tell people all the time that knowing about different cultures is the best business practice — so great, so great — and I’m a nice guy, but they are taking all the parking spots — all the spots out there, which isn’t fair to the American students,” he said, in a clear run-on sentence that he specifically asked that I write out as a complete, full one. So there it is.
But how will he ensure that international students stay out of this stupid — I mean horrible — I mean racist — I MEAN awful, terrible, heartless — I mean … interesting parking deck?
“My platform will make a yuge parking deck, which I’ll call ‘Trump Deck,’ and to ensure that international students stay out, I have plans for a wall around Pace Hall, with a security patrol around the building,” he said.
“I value all students here at Troy,” Trump said. “I am self-funding my campaign and don’t owe anybody anything! I only owe it to the students!”
Under this platform, Trump hopes to keep the university growing, by offering his own business classes, finding a way to rid the campus of the school media — mainly the Trop — tearing down all of our school restaurants and placing in his own food businesses, and he hopes to increase the communication between the students and the university via Twitter.
“I want Troy University to be the next best thing to the University of Pennsylvania,” Trump said.
“Unlike the other candidates, I will be in Troy all day and night — I won’t be fleeing in and out. I love and invest in Troy University!” he said while adjusting his Auburn University shirt and his University of Alabama hat.
“I’m so yuge, and under my leadership Troy University is going to be yuge, too,” he said. “I am unstoppable – I am what the common student wants whether I have a political science degree, an English degree or no degree at all!”
